Here I go again on my own… Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known – Whitesnake
Here I go! I wrote my last post at a deeply lonely time and feel I’ve once again, hit that wall. However, something feels different this time. This time I want to make it past, through, over and under that wall. I want to make it to the other side – happiness.
I’ve been unhappy for a long time and now I want to go about making things better for myself. So, here I go! I’m giving blogging another try. This time for keeps. I want to document my feelings, my passions and my experiences.
I’m now 27 and I want more out of my life. I want to share my journeys – whether that be a literal journey, a mental journey, a journey about my new home, my fashion journeys or even my love and heartbreak journeys – I want to share it all! I already feel as though the rest of 2018 is going to be therapeutic.
#wellbeing #blogging #roadtohappiness
‘How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?’
Have you ever felt like dropping everything you’re doing, your entire life, and running to the hills? On many occasions I have; I currently have the image of me running in the cold, autumn air with a tinge of sweat appearing as The Killers’ Run for Cover repeats in my head.
Instead the song plays on the car radio during my commute to work. We’ve all had those thoughts as you hit the brake, just as the traffic lights are turning red; what if I just took a detour? Would something unexpected take me away from the mundane routine? The excitement and the thrill of the unknown. However, you pull away as the lights change to green and your thoughts trickle down the sidewalk drain. You carry on listening to the radio and before you know it, it’s 10am and you’re in the work zone.
If I rewind back to the beginning of this post – you might be thinking, what is the problem? Is this post providing the answers to escape the regular, mundane routine? Well, not quite. As I said at the beginning that I often have these thoughts of running away – not to escape the dullness of ordinary life but to actually run for ‘cover’. I’m looking for a space to rid me of the knotting feeling that builds up in my stomach, from the moment that I go to bed right up until the working day is done. I want to feel the weight lifted from my shoulders. The momentary relief as I drive home and escape to the dream worlds of soaps on the television. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and signed off work for two weeks, and boy am I becoming well acquainted with the symptoms. Due to more recent pressures at work and added stress in my personal life – I feel useless, worthless. A failure. There’s a wall in front of me that I cannot think past. There isn’t a way to pin down my thoughts and throw them out of my head.
I feel that these symptoms have been building for a long time. I was 19. I was away at university, alone and my brother had just passed away from acute lymphoblastic Leukaemia. I shut myself off from emotions, hardened myself to traumatic events and got myself a degree and a job. Suddenly at 26, I’ve found myself to be drowning in added responsibilities at work alongside having to deal with the pressures of buying a new home. Some people would say that I cannot adult and that I need to ‘buck up’. Fair enough. However, I also feel that I’ve had to maintain being perceived as being ‘strong’ for so long that the cracks of my facade are now starting to appear. I’m trying my best to be an adult but on the inside, I’m still that 19 year old crying out for help. I want to run for cover so that someone will help me. I want the pain I feel to dissolve.
How do we solve the problems of life’s difficulties? It’s okay to talk (or in my case write it down).